The After (A Severus Snape Story)
by Ethan-Silas
Summary: It was the afterlife of Severus snape; it was his Hell, his Purgatory, and his Heaven
1. His Hell

She was the last thing he saw before he was gone, her beautiful smile and soft, amused giggle.

And then he was watching her cry, weep, because of her sister.  
It was just after Christmas Break, on the train back to Hogwarts. Lily was against his shoulder and Snape couldn't find the joy he would feel at her touch in any other situation. He only felt anger, and love, and a deep, primitive need to comfort Lily mixed with the crippling anxiety that prevented him from doing just that. She clung to him as if he were a teddy bear, and his arms were wrapped tentatively around her lovely, thin waist. He kissed the top of her head and continued to hum her favorite song, Daydream Believer by the Monkees, into her orange-red hair.

And then he was sitting in the Slytherin common room beside Lucius. Lily was talking to those four blokes, the Marauders or whatever tosser name they called themselves, and Snape was left here with Malfoy, and Bellatrix, and Dolohov, and all of the others who sneered about mudbloods. He hated listening to them, could only think how unlike the baboons they were describing Lily was. Bellatrix, the bloody gobshite, always looked at him with _that_ look, and Snape would have to sit and take it or be left alone. Again. Because Lily had Alice and Sirius and Potter- she didn't care-

And then it was fifth year, and Snape couldn't be angrier or more embarrassed. And then Lily shouting at Potter as if she hadn't been rubbing shoulders with him all year, and he couldn't help it. He snapped.  
Then the fucking bastard that was ultimately James Potter acting all righteous and heroic. As if he didn't hex Slytherins and Hufflepuffs and first years. As if he didn't have a superiority complex worse than that of Bellatrix's; at least hers allowed more than three people to be worthy of all that was herself.

He was begging Lily, he was weeping, and she only sneered at him. He called her a name once, and she hated him. Father called Mother the worst of names, daily, by the hour, by the minute, and Mother still worshipped him. He didn't know how to deal with it, how to handle it. So, like his drunken insane Mother, he crumpled and wept at her feet. But Lily, so much better than Father ever was, only sneered and left him there. Snape didn't stop crying, there in the hallway, until Lucius came and helped him to his bed. A sad world when Lucius Malfoy is the kindest hand you can find.

And sixth year, watching James slowly win over Snape's best friend. Watching the girl he'd loved in a way so much deeper than romantically, a way so much more detailed and infinite and dimensionalized than anything the blithering idiot James ever could, forget Sev and everything James Potter did to him. Watching her slowly become more like James as James slowly became more like her.

Then seventh year, Lucius coaxing Snape into Voldemort's circle and finally ripping himself away from Lily. He couldn't look at her anymore, not when she wore Potter's robes and Potter's shirts and Potter himself. Not when she had those beautiful, bright, lime green eyes that smiled at Potter, not him. He couldn't handle it anymore, he wasn't strong enough to look at her when she was looking at him, and she'd probably not have the little slimeball she considered him to be mooning over her any longer.  
So, he focused his attentions on the Dark Lord. He didn't agree with any of the pureblood supremacy, but he could tell Voldemort had alterior motives. He hated Muggles, not muggleborns; that was simply a calculated addition to get the purebloods on board. It wasn't as if he cared about anyone but himself, anyway.

But then he was reporting to Voldemort the prophecy that woman had told Dumbledore. He saw the Dark Lord's face as he decided that it was Harry Potter, not Neville Longbottom. The disgusted sneer on his face as he agreed, only out of mercy and dismissal, to spare Lily. He pretended not to hear the next words, _If she chooses to spare herself._  
Crawling to Dumbledore and having to beg, quite literally, for him to save Lily. Save Harry and James, too, but save Lily. Being blackmailed and ridiculed by a wizard Snape knew had done things that made him no better than Snape, perhaps even a bit worse.  
But it was worth it- yes, it was worth it, and all for Lily.

Hearing Wormtail give away the Potters' location, and immediately after the meeting, Apparating as close to Hogwarts as he could. Running, with all his might, towards the castle. His lungs were liquified and his legs were all but jelly, but he ran, dodging stray students and teachers and demanding McGonagall take him to Dumbledore, because _Voldemort knows about Lily. And Harry. And Potter.  
_ Telling Dumbledore, only to see that superior glint in his eyes, the same glint that everyone but Lily had looked at him with. Being told to take Hagrid to Godric's Hollow, because Dumbledore had bigger problems than whatever Snape cared about.

Finding put that they were too late. Running into the house and seeing James, on the steps, before hopping over him because maybe, just maybe-  
But Lily was lying on the floor, baby Harry crying, blood gently flecking down his nose. He fell to his knees beside Lily, her hand on Harry's little foot in his little footie pyjama. Catching Harry's eyes and seeing the bright lime green he hadn't seen of Lily's for three years, and wiping his nose clean. He pulled Lily into his arms and, when Hagrid picked up Lily's baby, begging once, _Please, Hagrid... Let me hold him._  
A crying Hagrid set Harry in Snape's arms, and feeling broken, useless, and meaningless, Snape held Lily and a baby that could have, in another life, had Sev's face and not Potter's.  
But Sev died when he held little Lily. Snape, who had had reign over motor skills for nearly half a decade, was all that was left of the quiet boy who'd watch Lily Evans from the bushes.

And then ten years of emptiness, of going through motions, of seeing those glints in Dumbledore's eyes. He pretended to hate the children, when really, he couldn't care about them at all. He sat in his Potions classroom and thought of Lily, refusing to let himself wonder about her son.

When he saw the child once more, his little pure white lightening scar, his beautiful, lime green eyes, it took every ounce of self-control not to go to the boy. He vowed to make Harry hate him. He vowed to be resigned to the monster James and Lily had been convinced he was. It was no less than he deserved, to watch Lily's eyes hate him. It was all he owed to Lily, for what he had done, for not understanding still how he had wronged her enough to negate ten long years of friendship.  
It took lies, acting, and so much bluff to be as cruel as he could be to Lily's son, who he loved so dearly it made Snape's soul ache to see him after the scuffle with Quirrell- the bloody bastard Snape had so avidly defended Harry from- who Snape had originally befriended to learn his weaknesses-, to see him battle with Draco or how he had been after the diary incident with the Horcrux in that damned Chamber of Secrets, to see him in the damned tree with that damned man- who, despite his innocence, deserved no less than his sentence- who was an absolutely unbearable bad influence on Snape- and some bloody werewolf who Snape knew had forgotten his Wolfsbane, going crazy over his old mates, to see him compete in that bloody tournament, to have to watch him and even assist Dolores as she tortured him but not even being able to help or offer a single solitary kind word, to have to hate Harry when _he found his book!_ or to not congradulate him on finally being right on something and on Draco- to not punish Draco for stomping on Harry's nose and leaving him on the damned train, and to not be able to see those beautiful eyes for a year only to have to suddenly fight Harry, with the face that looked less and less like James, with eyes that looked less and less like Lily, with a person who suddenly, to him, became just Harry; the boy Severus Snape had loved like Severus Snape had loved no other. His feelings for Lily were dwarfed against his feelings for Harry, so different and so strong. His memories came out as tears, a fatherly love blue instead of the motherly pink, and Snape begged Harry to take them, take them. Using his last moment of life to beg whatever deity may be ruling over the world to let Harry live a normal life and die a painless death after bettering the world like he so rightly deserved to do. And he relived the pain of his life over and over, thousands of times, until his mistakes were paid off.


	2. His Purgatory Part I

Snape didn't know where he was. It was a black, decaying room, furnished with only gloom and dust and rays on sun from a few windows. He turned as then, it hit him. The nursery of Harry Potter.  
"Sev," He turned at Lily's voice. She was beautiful, absolutely stunning, as always, but his love was dwindled. She smiled.  
"Always tends to end eventually," she whispered it. "Romantic love, however true, is rarely anything but finite."  
And then she was gone, and Snape was alone.  
He walked the room millions of times, not a negative feeling about him, for once, but not a positive one, either. He was simply calm.  
Every now and then, a thought would pop into his mind, almost like a memory, only Snape had never known these things.  
They were little things, such as Harry's opinions on the other teachers, on his friends, on his classmates.  
Such as Harry's oblivious nature, unassuming attitude, from growing up in a home where noticing things only got him into trouble.  
Such as the way Harry read the Half-Blood Prince's book and carried it with him in an unending way, until he had to put it away. Snape felt a small pang of loss that Harry had ended their one connection.  
Such as the way Felix Felicis had made Harry feel so giddy, sarcastic, and carefree.  
Such as the way it felt when, during fifth year, not a soul was around to care for Harry, and Snape felt a pang of bitter regret.  
Such as the way Harry felt learning all those things about Snape, and Snape feeling a strong blow of panic from having made Harry feel that, from being responsible for his strife.  
Such as the way Harry had felt saying what could have been his last goodbye to his friends, and Snapw felt a flush of self-loathing at the world that made Harry Potter experience the feeling of walking down to die for his family, his friends, people he didn't even know.  
And not until several hundred of these little things, invariably about beautiful little Harry, did Snape finally get out of that little room that dulled his feelings.


	3. His Purgatory Part II

It was the same room, but brighter. It was the color is was supposed to be, baby blue, and fully intact, though it still lacked furniture.  
But there Dumbledore was. Standing, pacing. His eyes met the old man's, and Snape knew he was damned to this; damned to help those who could not help themself. He did not get a Heaven, a Hell, or a Purgatory. His sins would never be repaid. Snape breathed out, a soft sigh, genuinely feeling bad for one of the men who made his life the worst they possibly could.  
But then, Dumbledore was gone, and in his wake was a little baby. It took Snape a moment to realize it was Voldemort, bloody and ugly, and Snape realized that he, too, did not get a happy ending. He only sat as an example of the repercussions of a baby made of a love potion.  
And then, it was Bellatrix Lestrange, staring at him, a nearly expressionless face beside those wide eyes, haunted and broken and pained, and Snape realized that she was in the closest to Heaven and the farthest from Hell that she deserved; that numb pain one had when one was simply resolved to the end of something they held dear.  
Ted Tonks was there, a bright smile on his face, and Snape realized that he was in Heaven with his daughter and her husband, waiting for those they loved.  
Lavender Brown was there, and despite his strong dislike of the girl, he felt a pang of grief for the bright, talented woman she could never become. She had a smile on her face and he realized that she was in Heaven with the mother that tried to do right by her but couldn't and the father she never got to meet.  
Alice Longbottom was there, that quirky smile on her lips, and Snape realized she was in Heaven, the real her instead of the empty shell that wandered St. Mungo's, with her husband, watching their baby Neville become a man.  
Peter Pettigrew was there, the young Peter Pettigrew with his wet eyes and small smile, and Snape realized he was in Heaven after repaying his debts as Snape had.  
And Lily was there, her smile so amazingly brilliant that Snape realized he loved her, but he wasn't in love with her.  
He realized that she was in Heaven with her husband and Sirius, waiting for her son.  
He realized that he was happier that she ended up with her husband, because she was happy and Snape got little Harry.  
He realized that she had forgiven him, and decided to let him move on.  
He realized that she had been pregnant and had convinced James to make him, her best friend Sev, the godfather of Esther Imogene.  
He realized that she was so, so thankful to him for doing what he did for Harry, for loving him.  
He realized that she was going to give him the best, most perfect Heaven of anyone.  
And then, he realized that he was no longer in Harry's Nursery.


	4. His Heaven

Snape awoke to see Harry's eyes, bright and alive. He sat up to see a thirteen year old Harry, bright and innocent, in his house in Spinner's End.  
"Dad, you're up!" Snape couldn't find anything wrong with this statement; he felt as if this were completely normal. "I've been waiting ages. You knew I was getting home from studying with Hermione..."  
And Severus Snape found nothing wrong with any of this, because this was the Heaven he got to live in for the rest of eternity; forever and always.


End file.
